Catholic Shaming

For part of my sophomore year, I fell into a rut faith-wise. Perhaps everyone goes through phases like this- but between a stressful French class and study abroad applications, I stopped going to Sunday mass for a couple weeks. I’m not proud this happened, but it did. A few weeks later, I was talking to some older friends who I really looked up to and admitted that I hadn’t been great at going to mass lately. They were aghast. They immediately told me that I was a bad role model and that I needed to go to confession before getting communion again.

The way they handled the situation made me feel terrible. It hurt my friendship with these people I had once really looked up to. It made me feel uncomfortable about my faith life. Was I a bad person? A bad Catholic? The exchange left me uncomfortable and disappointed, in both my friends and myself. But it also left me with a question: How can we build up each other, our friends, our families, our classmates, in their faith, without damaging our friendships and relationships with God?

            

For this article, I decided to coin the term “Catholic shaming,” a phrase that can be used to describe Catholics making other Catholics feel bad for not being Catholic enough. Catholic shaming is when your friend tells you, “Well real Catholics would vote for Republican candidate.” Or when another friend might say, “You haven’t been to confession in four years? Are you even Catholic?” It is the statements friends make that are meant to help you realize how you can improve in your faith, but all too often come across in hurtful and damaging ways, which often have the opposite effect.

            

Friendships have the potential to be both the helpful and harmful things for one’s faith life. Handled in ideal ways, a conversation with a friend has the potential to inspire someone to take their faith life more seriously, but handled the wrong way can be devastating. It is important to realize that when a friend discusses a way they struggled in their faith life lately, they are being real and honest with you. They are opening up to you because they trust you. Realize you have potential to make a huge difference in this person’s life, by dealing with it in a positive way. As Catholics, we are always representing Catholicism to others. If we approach our friends with love and care, as God always wants us to, then we can help remind friends how genuinely loving God is.

            

But how do we do this, really and truly? What does it look like to live this out? The key is in redirecting, rather than “Catholic shaming” our friends. This is what it looks like to live this out:

How to handle someone missing mass:

Friend 1: I haven’t been to mass in a while…

Friend 2: Dude, you are totally missing out! There are so many good masses here. Want to go to Nacho Mass with me this Thursday? Father Pete is saying Mass and he is one of the coolest priests here. You’ll really like it. Plus, nachos!

How to handle someone lost in their faith life:

Friend 1: I’m having a lot of struggles with the church right now. I don’t really know if I belong here or what to believe.

Friend 2: You know, you can always talk to me about it, and I will try my best. But there are also people on campus whose job is to help you work through these things. There is a great list of spiritual directors on the Campus Ministry website, they are people you can meet with and talk to about what’s going on in your life and they’ll help you find a spiritual way to work through it. I can help you look through it if you want.

How to help someone’s prayer life

Friend 1: I just don’t have time for prayer lately. My week is so busy and I’m really stressed, I’m not really sure how to make time for God.

Friend 2: Let’s do a grotto run every Wednesday night. It can be your study break and really what is prettier than the grotto in the snow at night!

Meeting your friends where they are and helping them to grow is far more fruitful than discouraging them. We all get so much negativity in our lives from school and other relationships- so to combat this, our faith-based relationships that come from Christ should be ones that only exude love and grace.

What do you if you are on the other side? If like me last spring, you realize that you need to make a change in your faith life? One of the best ways to start is to change things up and throw yourself into something that will help you grow. Go to confession! Start a novena to Mary! Join Four:7, ISI, or Anchor! Meet with a Campus Minister or Spiritual Director to find more direct guidance! What ended up helping me get out of my “rut” was starting to do Christian yoga. It was such a new concept to me- but it helped me pray, become centered, and stretch all at once and it was wonderful. I also started working at a Catholic camp, which helped remind me how to really love as God does (link). The combination of these two changes helped get me back into my faith life. They might not be the perfect fix for you, but I promise there is something out there that will help you find God’s presence in your life again.