Lonely, but Never Alone

When I was in high school I had tight knit group of friends. We did everything together. We sang in choir and tried out for the school musical. We had movie nights on weekends and carpooled to school every morning. We threw each other surprise birthday parties and at each heartbreak, we filled each other’s refrigerators with ice cream. We squealed at each other’s college acceptances and spent our Spring Break together in New York City. Never for a moment did I ever feel alone. My group of friends was a constant presence in my life. They were my unfailing support system.

            

Everything changed in college. While my high school friends are still among my closest and most favorite people in the world, freshman year forced me to make new friends and form a new community- which, when I eventually got over my homesickness and hesitations, I started to find a new close group of friends. It seemed like I had a new group of school friends who could possibly hold up to the expectations that my high school friends set. Then sophomore year hit and everything changed. With room picks, my once tight knit gang of girls from 3B McGlinn were scattered throughout the dorm. With the new arrangement, friend groups began to shift. I became so caught up running from dance to choir to quiz bowl to service that I didn’t have time to keep up with friendships the way I did before. As I transitioned once more into my junior year, the situation only seemed to get worse. I was beginning to feel very alone.

            

I don’t want to make this out to be a pity party or to make myself sound socially inept. I have wonderful friends in choir who I love to rehearse with and hang out with on weekends. I have spectacular friends on my floor who tolerate me showing up in their room to chat and with whom I go to every football game. I have a smattering of friends across campus who I’ve met from French class or Appalachia or from home who I love meeting up with for dinner. I don’t think I’ve eaten a meal alone in the dining hall this semester and I rarely spend a weekend night alone in my room. And yet, I don’t have a “group” that sends daily group messages announcing when dinner is or coordinates plans for the weekends. I sometimes have rough days when I’m not entirely sure anyone would notice anything is wrong with me unless I told them. In choir, we end rehearsal with intentions, and someone always prays for the “loneliest person on campus tonight.”Sometimes I walk back to my dorm wondering if that person is me. [KM1] 

Notre Dame loves to talk about community. And I think that the Notre Dame community is something that is true and that definitely exists. From the moment you arrive on campus, it is hard not to feel like you are a part of something bigger than yourself. But I think it is easy to forget that this doesn’t mean that loneliness isn’t a real thing at Notre Dame. We toss around phrases like “College is the best time of your life,” which is dangerous because it makes it even more alienating if you are struggling with loneliness. Everyone feels alone at some point during college- whether it is your first night freshman year, a week into your semester abroad, or in the middle of your sophomore year. It is okay and it is normal to be lonely. You are not alone in your loneliness.

            

I recently had a conversation with my mom in which she challenged me to look at loneliness in a new way. Instead of being alone, it was an opportunity to develop independence. My high school life had been guided and supported by friends and family. But here and now was my chance to figure who I am for myself. And I became aware of the way that this had already happened. I discovered what types of movies were my favorite (Romances that take place in Europe, preferably directed by Richard Curtis). I found new TV shows and books to enjoy. I learned what time I liked to go to bed and that despite trying to have a grown up palette- my favorite food is chicken tenders. I learned that I like to lie in bed on weekend mornings reading articles on my phone and that even still today, I can’t fall asleep without a little pleasure reading. Spending time alone was a chance to get to know myself in a deeper way than if I lived in a world with a ready made posse.

            

The harsh and unfortunately truth is that you can’t count on having a “group” wherever you go for the rest of your life. After graduation, when the real world hits, you might find yourself alone in a city far from home with no one else you know. It will be important for sure to have the ability to make friends, but even more importantly it will be important to understand yourself and to feel comfortable being alone. In just a month and a half, I will find myself on the other side of the planet with only 3 other people I know nearby. It is only with the confidence in my own independence that I can approach this situation not with panic, but with peace.

            

But the other things I have learned in making peace with loneliness is that it isn’t permanent. Sometimes, when you are alone, the very experience of being alone can be isolating and the thought of telling someone that you are lonely can be terrifying. (This is the “best time of our lives,” they’ll think I’m a loser for feeling lonely right?) But you can’t let it paralyze you either. Know that you can pick up your phone and text an old friend or a new one (you can even ask me, I’m normal I promise). Get coffee, go to a movie, hit up a food Mass, just do homework together- get yourself out of your room and realize that you are never as alone as you think you are.

God is always leading us to what is best for us. Sometimes, we are led towards friendships that will make us flourish, but sometimes the friendship we best need to discover is within ourselves. Sometimes in even the darkest and loneliest of moments, it is an opportunity to discover sometime new about ourselves that will serve us well into the future. But remember- it’s okay to be lonely (especially in college) and it won’t last forever.

Catholic Shaming

For part of my sophomore year, I fell into a rut faith-wise. Perhaps everyone goes through phases like this- but between a stressful French class and study abroad applications, I stopped going to Sunday mass for a couple weeks. I’m not proud this happened, but it did. A few weeks later, I was talking to some older friends who I really looked up to and admitted that I hadn’t been great at going to mass lately. They were aghast. They immediately told me that I was a bad role model and that I needed to go to confession before getting communion again.

The way they handled the situation made me feel terrible. It hurt my friendship with these people I had once really looked up to. It made me feel uncomfortable about my faith life. Was I a bad person? A bad Catholic? The exchange left me uncomfortable and disappointed, in both my friends and myself. But it also left me with a question: How can we build up each other, our friends, our families, our classmates, in their faith, without damaging our friendships and relationships with God?

            

For this article, I decided to coin the term “Catholic shaming,” a phrase that can be used to describe Catholics making other Catholics feel bad for not being Catholic enough. Catholic shaming is when your friend tells you, “Well real Catholics would vote for Republican candidate.” Or when another friend might say, “You haven’t been to confession in four years? Are you even Catholic?” It is the statements friends make that are meant to help you realize how you can improve in your faith, but all too often come across in hurtful and damaging ways, which often have the opposite effect.

            

Friendships have the potential to be both the helpful and harmful things for one’s faith life. Handled in ideal ways, a conversation with a friend has the potential to inspire someone to take their faith life more seriously, but handled the wrong way can be devastating. It is important to realize that when a friend discusses a way they struggled in their faith life lately, they are being real and honest with you. They are opening up to you because they trust you. Realize you have potential to make a huge difference in this person’s life, by dealing with it in a positive way. As Catholics, we are always representing Catholicism to others. If we approach our friends with love and care, as God always wants us to, then we can help remind friends how genuinely loving God is.

            

But how do we do this, really and truly? What does it look like to live this out? The key is in redirecting, rather than “Catholic shaming” our friends. This is what it looks like to live this out:

How to handle someone missing mass:

Friend 1: I haven’t been to mass in a while…

Friend 2: Dude, you are totally missing out! There are so many good masses here. Want to go to Nacho Mass with me this Thursday? Father Pete is saying Mass and he is one of the coolest priests here. You’ll really like it. Plus, nachos!

How to handle someone lost in their faith life:

Friend 1: I’m having a lot of struggles with the church right now. I don’t really know if I belong here or what to believe.

Friend 2: You know, you can always talk to me about it, and I will try my best. But there are also people on campus whose job is to help you work through these things. There is a great list of spiritual directors on the Campus Ministry website, they are people you can meet with and talk to about what’s going on in your life and they’ll help you find a spiritual way to work through it. I can help you look through it if you want.

How to help someone’s prayer life

Friend 1: I just don’t have time for prayer lately. My week is so busy and I’m really stressed, I’m not really sure how to make time for God.

Friend 2: Let’s do a grotto run every Wednesday night. It can be your study break and really what is prettier than the grotto in the snow at night!

Meeting your friends where they are and helping them to grow is far more fruitful than discouraging them. We all get so much negativity in our lives from school and other relationships- so to combat this, our faith-based relationships that come from Christ should be ones that only exude love and grace.

What do you if you are on the other side? If like me last spring, you realize that you need to make a change in your faith life? One of the best ways to start is to change things up and throw yourself into something that will help you grow. Go to confession! Start a novena to Mary! Join Four:7, ISI, or Anchor! Meet with a Campus Minister or Spiritual Director to find more direct guidance! What ended up helping me get out of my “rut” was starting to do Christian yoga. It was such a new concept to me- but it helped me pray, become centered, and stretch all at once and it was wonderful. I also started working at a Catholic camp, which helped remind me how to really love as God does (link). The combination of these two changes helped get me back into my faith life. They might not be the perfect fix for you, but I promise there is something out there that will help you find God’s presence in your life again.

Care for God's Creation

The Problem

Catholicism seems to be loaded with “hot button” issues: abortion, gay marriage, contraception, and so on. These topics are typically the issues that get the most press, but there are many other parts of our faith that aren’t nearly as publicized. The Catholic Church also advocates for immigration reform, rights for workers, and help for the poor. One issue that almost always fails to get proper recognition is that of caring for our environment. Ecology is something that is found its way into Catholicism through many doors. It has its place in Catholic Social Teaching, papal documents, and in the lives of the saints. Yet for something so present in our teachings and traditions, it seems to be one of the things least associated with Catholicism.

            Care for God’s Creation is a tenant of Catholic Social Teaching. Beginning in 1891 with Pope Leo XIII, CST is a doctrine that covers how Catholics should respond to issues about social justice. They dive into ways we can live our faith by serving others and give a guidelines for different issues. Some of these include the Common Good and dignity of work. CST also revolves around showing love and giving dignity to every member of God’s world, especially the poor.

 It is through this lens that we can see the importance of giving critical care to our planet. CST reminds us that the poor are those who first face the repercussions of environmental destruction. As our climate becomes more extreme, it is the homeless who will lack the proper housing. As our resources become more limited, the poor will also be the first to not be able to afford new housing as prices skyrocket. If as Catholics we say that we believe in helping the poor, we also must stand for protecting our environment.I have a pen pal who lives in Uganda. Her name is Lydia. Lydia deals with struggles that I will never know. She tells me that her favorite book is her chemistry textbook because it is one of the few books she owns. She dreams of going to college, but will likely never be able to afford it. It is Lydia who will be affected by climate change far before I am. Lydia will face extreme weather without housing that is equipped to deal with it. She will also have trouble getting clean water and healthy food. It is easy to ignore it when the “poor” are faceless. But they aren’t faceless. They are real people with lives as rich and vivid as our own. They are Lydia and her friends in Uganda. They are the homeless of South Bend. They are the reason we need to care about our planet.

Taking care of our environment is not just an issue  for tree-huggers or hippies; it is an issue for everyone. Nothing- none of our hot topic issues- exist without our planet. If we as Catholics say we believe in life and dignity, we need to see to it that our future families and their children and their children’s children get to live in a world where they can live healthy lives with clean resources. If we say that we believe in love, we need to realize that caring for our planet is the most loving thing we can do for the poor in our community and in the developing world,. [KM1] If we believe that life on earth is a gift from God, then it is our duty as Catholics to care for that world. It is a human dignity issue, a social justice issue, a love issue, a peace issue, a Catholic issue- and above all- it is our issue.

The Solution

            The great thing is that you can be a part of the solution without having to travel or donate money; you can start making simple, sustainable changes in your life.

You can start right here, right now on your computer! HerCampusND writer Belinda Hyland wrote a great and realistic article about the easy, daily changes you can make to make your day more sustainable. She even takes you through your daily Notre Dame schedule and points out places where you can make a difference. When you are done reading, check out the website on the Catholic Climate Covenant. You can read up on the papal tradition behind the Church’s role in ecology, read stories about more people affected by climate change, and make the “St. Francis” pledge to pray, learn, assess, act, and advocate. Their website is a rich source of information and ideas on ways to live out our call to help the environment.

If you want to do more, the on-campus organization We Are Nine advocates for changes and petitions for administrative support for environmental issues on campus. Their website offers several ways to become involved in “Green” issues on campus and explains why the environment is an important issue for Catholics, for social justice, and for Notre Dame. There are several upcoming events in our local community this week that focus on poverty and the environment. Theology on Tap [KM2] this Wednesday at Legends at 8PM will discuss issues of poverty and solidarity.  There’s also a “sustainable farmers market” November 13^th at St Mary’s, and the Folk Choir’s Concert for the Missions this Friday at 8PM in the Basilica. To take a greater step, consider a minor in Catholic Social Teaching, International Development, Energy Studies, or Sustainability.

We shouldn’t feel guilty about environmental issues, but rather passionate and invigorated to make simple changes, some that may lead to sustainable habits or maybe even into bigger life choices.