When I was in high school I had tight knit group of friends.
We did everything together. We sang in choir and tried out for the school
musical. We had movie nights on weekends and carpooled to school every morning.
We threw each other surprise birthday parties and at each heartbreak, we filled
each other’s refrigerators with ice cream. We squealed at each other’s college
acceptances and spent our Spring Break together in New York City. Never for a
moment did I ever feel alone. My group of friends was a constant presence in my
life. They were my unfailing support system.
Everything
changed in college. While my high school friends are still among my closest and
most favorite people in the world, freshman year forced me to make new friends
and form a new community- which, when I eventually got over my homesickness and
hesitations, I started to find a new close group of friends. It seemed like I
had a new group of school friends who could possibly hold up to the
expectations that my high school friends set. Then sophomore year hit and
everything changed. With room picks, my once tight knit gang of girls from 3B
McGlinn were scattered throughout the dorm. With the new arrangement, friend
groups began to shift. I became so caught up running from dance to choir to
quiz bowl to service that I didn’t have time to keep up with friendships the
way I did before. As I transitioned once more into my junior year, the
situation only seemed to get worse. I was beginning to feel very alone.
I don’t
want to make this out to be a pity party or to make myself sound socially
inept. I have wonderful friends in choir who I love to rehearse with and hang
out with on weekends. I have spectacular friends on my floor who tolerate me
showing up in their room to chat and with whom I go to every football game. I
have a smattering of friends across campus who I’ve met from French class or
Appalachia or from home who I love meeting up with for dinner. I don’t think
I’ve eaten a meal alone in the dining hall this semester and I rarely spend a
weekend night alone in my room. And yet, I don’t have a “group” that sends
daily group messages announcing when dinner is or coordinates plans for the
weekends. I sometimes have rough days when I’m not entirely sure anyone would
notice anything is wrong with me unless I told them. In choir, we end rehearsal with
intentions, and someone always prays for the “loneliest person on campus
tonight.”Sometimes I walk back to my dorm wondering if that person is me. [KM1]
Notre Dame loves to talk about
community. And I think that the Notre Dame community is something that is true
and that definitely exists. From the moment you arrive on campus, it is hard not
to feel like you are a part of something bigger than yourself. But I think it
is easy to forget that this doesn’t mean that loneliness isn’t a real thing at
Notre Dame. We toss around phrases like “College is the best time of your
life,” which is dangerous because it makes it even more alienating if you are
struggling with loneliness. Everyone feels alone at some point during college-
whether it is your first night freshman year, a week into your semester abroad,
or in the middle of your sophomore year. It is okay and it is normal to be
lonely. You are not alone in your loneliness.
I recently
had a conversation with my mom in which she challenged me to look at loneliness
in a new way. Instead of being alone, it was an opportunity to develop
independence. My high school life had been guided and supported by friends and
family. But here and now was my chance to figure who I am for myself. And I
became aware of the way that this had already happened. I discovered what types
of movies were my favorite (Romances that take place in Europe, preferably
directed by Richard Curtis). I found new TV shows and books to enjoy. I learned
what time I liked to go to bed and that despite trying to have a grown up
palette- my favorite food is chicken tenders. I learned that I like to lie in
bed on weekend mornings reading articles on my phone and that even still today,
I can’t fall asleep without a little pleasure reading. Spending time alone was
a chance to get to know myself in a deeper way than if I lived in a world with
a ready made posse.
The harsh
and unfortunately truth is that you can’t count on having a “group” wherever
you go for the rest of your life. After graduation, when the real world hits,
you might find yourself alone in a city far from home with no one else you
know. It will be important for sure to have the ability to make friends, but
even more importantly it will be important to understand yourself and to feel
comfortable being alone. In just a month and a half, I will find myself on the
other side of the planet with only 3 other people I know nearby. It is only
with the confidence in my own independence that I can approach this situation
not with panic, but with peace.
But the
other things I have learned in making peace with loneliness is that it isn’t
permanent. Sometimes, when you are alone, the very experience of being alone
can be isolating and the thought of telling someone that you are lonely can be
terrifying. (This is the “best time of our lives,” they’ll think I’m a loser
for feeling lonely right?) But you can’t let it paralyze you either. Know that
you can pick up your phone and text an old friend or a new one (you can even
ask me, I’m normal I promise). Get coffee, go to a movie, hit up a food Mass,
just do homework together- get yourself out of your room and realize that you
are never as alone as you think you are.
God is always leading us to what is
best for us. Sometimes, we are led towards friendships that will make us
flourish, but sometimes the friendship we best need to discover is within
ourselves. Sometimes in even the darkest and loneliest of moments, it is an
opportunity to discover sometime new about ourselves that will serve us well
into the future. But remember- it’s okay to be lonely (especially in college)
and it won’t last forever.
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