Self-Love and Stress

The last few weeks have been hard. Actually, nix that. All of senior year has been hard. Papers, job searches, GRE prep, senior thesis- each one feels like another impossible layer caked into my brain and impossible to escape. Worst of all, with my stress has come another unwanted guest: self negativity.

It starts with an e-mail I forget to reply to, a late night of procrastination, a low grade on a paper, a missed appointment- the sort of thing that you might normally shrug off. But then it starts so to build and that little crotchety voice in the back of my head turns on- Really, you messed that up? You are such a disaster! You are such a weirdo! No wonder you get waitlisted for everything! No one is going to hire you for a job. Which of course, isn’t a logical reaction to life’s everyday mistakes- these things happen to everyone- yet it is completely debilitating. Everything starts to feel like a waste of time. Everything starts to seem so much harder than it actually is. Everything becomes more stressful than it already is.

All of this made for a horrible midterm week with little sleep, little food, and little time for myself. By Wednesday, as I burst into tears while working on a paper, I decided it was time to make my first loving decision of the week. I had been signed up for the Montreal Pilgrimage, but in the wake of my midterm zombie state, I decided that a week of sleeping and home comforts might be a better option. Withdrawing was a hard choice, but when I came home to homemade chicken noodle soup and a TV marathon with my sister, I decided I made the right choice.

And I did. Sleeping late, catching up with a few friends from home, finishing my novel, and then sleeping some more were all the perfect medicine to help me recover from a stressful week. But as Friday turned into Saturday and I realized that I would be going back soon, my mind fell into the stress frenzy once more. In remembering my responsibilities, the little voice returned. You had a whole week to get work done, what did you do? You are so irresponsible. No wonder nothing works out for you. I began to wonder how I was supposed to go back to school, not just face the piles of stress, but the negativity that the stress was making me feel.

So I went to mass on Saturday evening, closed my eyes and asked God: “How do I get over this? How do I find the strength to face the stress and still love myself?” I did the only thing I could do and I gave it over to God and waited for the answer.

“You are called to greatness,” were the first words of the priest’s homily that evening. It felt like his words were the answer to my prayer; a firm reminder that we already have everything we need. God gives each us gifts, talents, strengths and abilities. God gives us everything we need to do great things. Greatness looks different on all of us. Greatness doesn’t have to look like writing the world’s greatest senior thesis or nailing that French assignment. Greatness can look like organizing a fun evening with friends, or spending an afternoon volunteering, or writing a blog post you are really proud of. Any moment you are using your gifts, you are sharing your glorious self with others and you are revealing and reveling in your own personal greatness.

That greatness thrives best when we learn to love ourselves just a little bit more. It comes when we realize that God is our greatest cheerleader. God is the one sitting in the audience shouting, “Yeah! Go you! Do that great thing! Yeah look at that one! I made that one! Look at her go!” I am always constantly challenging myself to look at others as God sees them and to love them as God does. But what I failed to see was that this applies to me too. Part of our faith is being compassionate to those around us, but that compassion extends resoundingly to ourselves as well. It’s not selfish to love yourself, to take care of yourself, to rejoice in the amazing creation that is you- because you are God’s creation and that is what you are supposed to do with God’s creations. When you’ve finally let your voice shut up, you can take a step and see yourself as God does- an astounding, marvelous miracle.

I can’t get rid of my senior thesis or my job hunt or the GRE. But I can start with tackling my inner bully, by switching the negative messages to positive ones. I can start by celebrating each moment of greatness. You taught a great catechism class tonight, Megan! You made a stellar playlist! Wait, holy crap, you finished your novel! Go you! When our inner voices start to sound more like God, our path towards greatness takes off. The more we love ourselves, the more we love our gifts, the closer we get to fulfilling the great and marvelous plan that God has for us.